


Man Down, Soldier On

by luch_anam



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Codependency Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Steve Needs a Hug, alexander pierce should have died slower, and therapy, basically this fits into canon, painfully unreliable narrator, this hurts me more than it hurts you i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-05-20 07:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 14,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14890196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luch_anam/pseuds/luch_anam
Summary: Moments of consciousness between James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes, The Winter Solider and who he was in between and during his recovery.





	1. First Encounter

The first time they shock him he remembers the way the pain jolts through him, he can’t remember if he’s screaming or if it’s the buzzing of the machine. After the fifth time he loses count. They shock him once more, they leave him alone. Zola and the nurses learned to restrain him after the first time; he thinks Zola’s nose looks better bleeding. He can faintly hear the noise and bangs from the rest of the prison. He doesn’t fight against the restraints, he doesn’t shout to them. They trained him for torture, told him this was his best chance at being rescued and sent back home, to his tiny apartment and his Steve. _James Barnes 32557038._ He does not see the men rushing forward taking files and documents, bottles and needles from compartments. _James Barnes 32557038._ He does not see Zola scurry away and Steve appear dwarfing the doors frame. _James Barnes 32557038._ He does not see the ease with which Steve breaks his restraints. _James Barnes 32557038._ He is still tied up and he is _James Barnes 325_ \- Steve. His entire body aches when he’s pulled by him off the table. He sluggishly quips something to his Steve and the farther he goes from the room the clearer he thinks. His clear thoughts stop when he see’s Zola standing on the other side of the catwalk. _The Asset Obeys._ He shakes the thoughts away and peers around Steve feeling sick. Steve doesn’t comment on how fast his skin heals, how pink and new the skin around the scars look. They return to base and the shouts for praise leave his lips before he can think what he’s saying. _The Asset Obeys._ He goes drinking to forget what they did, the more he drinks the less he sees figures wandering around the bar or in between the soldiers training. The more he drinks the closer he feels to what Zola called The Asset. Steve comes over and asks about him following Captain America into battle. He’s only slightly tipsy, he can’t seem to get drunk for long anymore. He sobers up too quickly and he looks to Steve for a moment. _The Asset Obeys._ He refuses to follow Captain America, but he’ll follow his Steve to his death if he asks. _The Asset Obeys._


	2. Present: First Mission

“He can’t be around us, he’s dangerous, you saw what he did all over the world. Every file SHIELD had on him was dumped, you can’t think about defending him now?” Tony watches Steve’s face twist at his words, but he stays silent for now.  
“I’ll do whatever I damn well please, I’m probably one of the only people who’s been what he’s been through.” Natasha glares up from her seat.  
“Natasha has a good point, he was brainwashed and tortured, I doubt he can remember much, and if he does it’s probably as good as soup. He can barely remember how to properly hold a spoon, let alone a family he killed over sixty years ago.” Sam interjects.  
“He said he remembered them all, he was going to kill me-“  
“Because you were threatening me, not only his childhood best friend, but a stable and safe link to who he was before he underwent seventy years of brainwashing and torture, forgive me if I’m a little bitter about you trying to kill him Tony.”  
“You shouldn’t have the shield it was my dads, it’s mine…” it’s weak, Natasha can tell Tony is tiring of the fight. She’s about to quiet both of them down when she see’s Barnes flicker in her vision. He passes by the door. She knows he meant to be seen. She has no doubts about his wish to stay hidden.  
“Want me to stab it through your suit again? Or should I just go for your jugular since that’s how you’re going after Buck.” Steve snarls, turning and following Barnes instantly.  
“I know he’s just being protective of his friend, I’m just worried about those damn codes, what if they come back.. We don’t know what could happen if he gets knocked on the head one too many times..”  
“The Asset Obeys.” Barnes breathes from behind Tony; it’s barely a whisper but both him and Natasha tense when they hear it.  
“What?”  
“The Asset Obeys.” He watches them with dull eyes and Tony lets the left hand of his suit melt onto him, he raises it up and Bucky hides a smirk before it morphs into slight fear.  
‘Tony!” Steve charges him knocking him to the side. Bucky stares fear plastering it’s way on his face fully.  
“Stevie, he wasn’t gonna I swear, I just wanted to see it.” Steve huffs, keeping an arm on Bucky’s shoulders.  
“Let’s go Buck.” Tony and Natasha gape at how Bucky’s eyes dull as he mouths the words again before following Steve.  
“Their programming wasn’t good enough right?” Natasha looks up to Tony as he stares her down.  
“So you’re saying out of all the wires he got crossed by HYDRA, they crossed unwavering loyalty and Steve Rogers at the same point?”  
“That was always there, he’s always been Roger’s shield; this, this is much more interesting.” Natasha watches as Steve and Bucky round the corner.  
“I have a theory, and I want to test it.” She smiles and Tony winces.

“So for this mission it’s Tony, Nat, Me and you. Our objective is to clear the base of all hostiles and then extract the intel. Understood?”  
“Understood.” Bucky watches as Steve leaves to get ready. He follows seconds after. Natasha and Tony part ways and they both shift uneasily as they see Bucky sitting rod straight in his winter soldier outfit.  
“Bucky, you don’t normally wear that for missions..”  
“The grease paint helps light sensitivity and this uniform is bullet proof. It was the best option given the limited time and choices available.” Natasha nods and they settle into silence as they make their way towards the base. Bucky moves off, taking his place somewhere as their sniper. When the agents trickle out Natasha and Tony watch as Steve gathers himself to fight them. They drop before they clear the fence. Steve salutes Bucky, shaking his fist at where he believes he is.  
“Could at least let me hit a few punk.” Crackles over the communicators they have in their ears.  
“There’s more inside for you to kill. Just taking out the threats first.” Is the response they hear back. Bucky joins them silently, melting to Steve’s side. His head jerks slightly and he fires a shot into the darkness around them. They hear the body thump to the ground moments later. Bucky tracks his boot through the puddle of blood that pools towards the drain in the center of the room. He stands by the door that leads further into the facility.  
“Open it.” Steve hisses and Bucky twists the handle off. A spray of bullets is fired and at least two dozen soldier’s lie dead on the ground; a handful stalk forward. Tony blasts them easily.  
“Sweep the room, this is the last spot for the intel to be, we’ll work backwards and- Buck! What the hell?” Steve scowls as he blasts all but one of the computers scattered around the room. He stomps over to it, tapping something in and as the screen boots up he holds out his hand for the flash drive. Steve places it into his gloved hand and watches and Bucky crouches over the computer imputing a series of codes Steve wasn’t aware he knew. The drive is plugged in and after a few moments removed and placed back in Steve’s hand.  
‘Base is set to detonate in ten minutes. No files or other information is stored here.” As they’re walking out a few straggling agents appear, Natasha and Tony engage them and Steve can’t help but feel they’re not telling him something as another agent swoops in and lands a hit on him.   
It’s barely a stinging blow, the agent too weak to do much more that bleed over his suit. Steve can hear the intake of breath on his left and he see’s the metal blurring in front of him before the crackle of the agents skull splatters his side. The skull fragments bite into his skin and the gray pink of brain soaks into the white parts of his suit. He tilts his head towards the figure on his left. He steps forward and snarls at the agent, and for a brief second Steve knows it’s not Bucky in front of him. The anger vanishes the instant Steve takes a breath in. Bucky turns quirking an eyebrow and nodding slightly to encourage Steve to say something.  
“Thanks for that.” He only gets a nod in return. Steve tenses when Bucky pulls him behind him. Steve watches as Natasha and Tony approach. Bucky’s gone; the figure where he stands hefts the gun up. Steve places a hand over the muzzle of the gun and it is lowered, a knife is brought out in its place. Steve huffs and Bucky turns back furrowing his brow looking nervous.  
“Buck, it’s just Nat and Tony, just them. Lets get out of here..” Bucky does not let them move closer, keeping himself on Steve’s left as they return to the jet and to the compound. Sam greets them and Steve cries out when Bucky grasps his wrist and snaps it as he flips him over, knife in hand as his bloodied boot hovers over Sam’s throat.  
“Bucky!” Steve’s screeches and Bucky turns to him, slowly removing his foot and helping Sam up.  
“Not part of the mission?”  
“No Buck, just, come on, lets shower all the blood off. Sam go get checked in medical. Nat, a word after the shower.”


	3. Past: Stark and Natasha

He does not scream. His body doesn’t flinch as the car folds over itself after swerving. This is his first test. A mission for them to prove their own god playing. _The Asset Obeys._ He walks, stumbles slightly, the arm is unfamiliar to him still. He hears a soft cry for Howard, he shoots the air to quiet it but there’s no change in the noise.  
He was told to leave no witnesses but he has vague flickers of a child’s name, he hesitates but ultimately his hand closes around her throat as the silence settles again in the forest. He retrieves the serum from the trunk. He shoots the driver. He ignores the name that brings no recognition. He pauses a moment watching the blinking eye of a security camera. _Is it really an witness if it isn't alive?_ A voice hums in the back of his head. He shoots the camera anyways. better to avoid a punishment than risk losing how the name Stark bites into his head. He returns to the base, and awaits further instructions. He is told to de-brief, his body sluggishly going through the motions and his mouth jerking responses to the handlers questions. They ask how he stopped the car so effortlessly. He stays silent. He hears someone in the background saying something about the target swerving to avoid a ghost. He does not laugh with them. They go about marking his files and updating their information as he is lead to the chair. This is standard procedure. _The Asset Obeys_ The bite guard slides into his mouth. He does not recognize when they call him a ghost the next time.

 

He wakes up after passing out again. He is no longer strapped to the chair. He rests on the bed they had given him. He waits, breathing quietly so as not to alert anyone he’s conscious yet. He can hear voices and one shouts into him, he is unsure what it says so he removes himself from the bed. He folds it with hospital corners unsure of where he learned that. He can hear a calm voice telling him it’s cleaner and better for Steve. _The Asset Obeys._ He stays silent as the man walks in.  
He is told he has a new mission, but given no brief as he follows the man out of the cell.  
He’s told to train new assets, he wonders which of the agents he’ll be training but none step forward. He is lead to a different room. He stares blankly ahead as he is handed clothes to dress and his combat gear. _The Asset Obeys_ He was told nothing of going outside. He is brought to the training room. He does not marvel at the vastness of it, not at the vaulted ceilings or the range of equipment. He plants himself close to the sniper rifles. A fragment of an old mission he is told. Protecting Steve, a group of men and a war. He does not mention these memories. He watches as twenty-three girls are lead in. they stand as still as he does in a line. He knows they are learning about him even though he stands still. He can see the dark in their eyes. One of the men counts the girls twice and complains to another agent that there should be twenty-four. The agent shrugs, mentioning how one failed. He does not move and wait for the agent to give them the signal to attack. His handler instructs him to teach, these assets are here to be trained by him.  
He teaches the girls to hold the weapons, how to fire them. He hums in approval when they do it correctly. He does not correct the ones that are wrong, they will learn soon enough, he thinks. He leads them in drills, running and push ups, scaling walls and shooting ranges. This feels familiar and he can’t help the way he hums as he barks orders. Two of the girls faint, no one moves to help them. He trains the girls around them, teaching them leaps and how to avoid the dead. The girls are running laps when the two wake. He throws them knives and nod to the rest of the girls. Weakness is an advantage to the enemy. After that day it is only twenty-one to train. The handlers notice how he keeps himself close to a young girl. He does not ask about training her, but they can see the way his eyes look human when he see’s her. He is brought to the chair. The asset does not have preferences. He is told to focus on strengths. One is good with sniper rifles and he spends more time than necessary with her. They catch him telling stories of shooting enemies from a mission, this gathers no attention. When he brings up the war, correcting himself he finds the girl is not with the others the next time. It only takes months, but by the end of it there is only one left. No longer a young girl or a human, they call her Black Widow and they promise she’s a machine, he doesn’t miss the way her eyes shine behind her own version of a mask.


	4. Present: Mission Debrief

Natasha thanks Friday as she’s alerted to Steve and Bucky finishing showering. She brushes off the shower time as nothing more than old army habits.  
It’s easy to read people, she thinks as she watches Steve coiled against the bed the outline of him ready to defend the sinking ship. She can tell as his shoulders clench and then how they contort and twist into a mockery of relaxation that he’s a thousand miles away from her. She’s silent as she enters the room. She knows he’s heard her by the fraction his head twitches. She takes another step forward and a knife hits the wall taking a few of her hairs with it.  
“Buck. Hold.” She watches Steve move his hand; palm pressed downwards, a plea to stop she muses. She watches the face of The Soldier and she grits her teeth as Steve straightens himself up.  
What on earth was that mission for?”  
“To gather-“  
“Outdated useless bullshit we already had? You were 'trying him out' weren’t you? You and Tony just had to make sure he wouldn’t go haywire unless you needed him to, that agent, don’t pretend you didn’t wound him just so he’d go for me. We’re both smart enough not to lie like that. What was running through your head that you though bringing him back there and re-traumatising him was a good plan? We both know what happened in DC, on those hellicarriers.”  
“Steve really it’s just-“  
“Don’t. Not only did you put our lives at risk, but you put Buck back in a situation that could have gotten him killed or triggered, not to mention what if they had gotten hold of him again? How many people do you think would die over the next seventy years huh?” Steve’s coiling himself tighter and Natasha tries not to tense when she see’s the Soldier straighten himself up to join in the assumed physical fight.  
“Steve it was fine, under control, and even if it wasn’t we could have broken the programming and-“ Natasha holds her hands up trying to prove she’s not attacking them.  
“I didn’t break the programming, it was dumb luck it happened!” Steve snarls at her his entire body lunges forward and Natasha braces herself for an attack but watches as Steve sinks to the floor hands gripping the sides of his head as he curls and doubles over onto himself. The soldier does not move, only looking up from Steve to meet her eye. He looks back down sweeping his eyes over Steve's shaking form and stepping forward. He crouches down, letting his metal arm brush Steve’s shoulder and snake under his armpit. Steve curls his face into Bucky's shoulder and tries to hide his tears.  
“You and I have lived our seventy years Natkya. Stevie’s only slept, he’s still just a little thing trying to learn. You expect too much from him. You expect too much from a boy and you destroy the hope of him becoming a man.” Bucky pulls Steve’s weight onto him and starts walking towards the bed.  
“You may leave Natasha.” She knows this is not a request. As she retreats she hears a voice singing a lullaby. She rubs at her face as she remembers the same song and a hand brushing hair out of her eyes and away from her burning forehead; the voice pauses the song to call her a punk for getting sick. She takes a breath clearing her head and realising how deep the programming goes. She tells Tony this, abandoning the memories she has with it.  
“How do you reckon we break something so deep then?”  
“We don’t, we can’t. We just have to make sure he knows we’re on Steve’s side.”


	5. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hurts me to think of the Howling Commando's as part of The Asset's trigger words

The men fan out behind him. He steps forward towards the target, one of the men rushes forward intent on flanking him. Bucky rips him mid stride and throws him behind the rest of the team. He shoots the target twice before turning and stalking towards the man that he shoved back.  
“The fuck is your problem. I had the shot. Don’t interfere again Dernier you’re an idiot if you think I’m going to let you die and screw up the mission. You better be more careful. We don’t all have a death wish.” Bucky stares, he can feel The Asset move forward in one swift motion as he’s pushed back. The agent he shoved back snarls and raises his hand. One of the other agents stops him before he hits The Asset.  
“Let’s go back to base. We can deal with that in a minute.” The Asset glares at the man as they return to the base and the agents explain to his handler.  
“Just a simple programming break, nothing to worry about, give him five minutes in the chair and he’ll be good as new.” The man swats his hand and the agents bring The Asset to the chair. He does not resist as they strap him down. They lay him on his side, ever since he puked and nearly choked this is the new protocol. He sighs, feeling the clamps settle against his head. The bite guard is shoved in and he can hear the hum as the machine is started up. He see’s the man in beige in the background, shouting something, he’s angry The Asset can tell this much from how the mans face contorts and twists.The Asset doesn’t scream as the shocks pass through him, the man in beige howls as he collapses to the ground arms and legs flailing against the stone floor.  
The Asset does not mention the memories of the men he worked with on previous missions. He does not bring up Dernier or Gabe or Dum Dum. He does not look for their faces in the Agents and technicians that take care of them. He gives no signs of distress or disappointment when he see’s none of them throughout the parade of missions and people he kills. He hopes he hasn’t killed them already.

 

He makes a mistake three months later. It’s a mission in the winter. Somewhere colder than he should be, hunkered down in the back of the truck pressed against another agent. Partially because of the lack of space but also because he knows the agent is using his body heat. He keeps his mouth shut, avoiding talking about the mess hall, and complaining about Phillips. He does not mention the dirty jokes that Jim and Falsworth have told him. He winces to himself trying to convince himself they are not called the Howling Commandos, they are not in a war. The war is over, they won, he works for his handler to keep it this way. His handler decides to set up a temporary camp in order to have better views for the mission tomorrow. The Asset nods and as the Agents start setting up the tents he can hear them grumble about the handler’s tent, how large and over the top it is. Barnes steps forward before The Asset can round him back.  
“Come on Gabe it can’t be any worse than that time we had to crowd into that dingy little tent cause Peggy was staying and god forbid we didn’t give a dame privacy.” He swallows as the agents narrow their eyes at him.  
“Commander, another slip up.”  
“Get the portable shock unit if you think it’s an issue, I’m working on the reports.”  
The Asset doesn’t look up; he keeps his eyes on the floor. _The Asset Obeys._ He keeps his mouth set in an unmoving line. He doesn’t tremble when he hears the buzz of the shock unit. _The Asset Obeys._ He opens his mouth as they put the rubber guard in. He finally looks up to face the agent and takes in the beige of the military uniform standing in the agents place. _The Asset Obeys._ The man tips his hat, dropping the shock unit and hauling The Asset up by his throat. The mans arm squeezes as he presses The Asset to the wall. _The Asset Obeys._ He doesn’t fight back, letting the man slowly squeeze his throat with tears in his eyes. _You were supposed to protect him. You left him to die out there; he froze for years because of you, think about how much blood is on your hands._ He can feel the blood dripping from his metal arm, the steady drip is a comfort as the man’s hand loosens enough for him to breath through it. _The Asset Obeys._ The man in the military uniform backs up and turns away.  
 _Wait._  
The Asset does not speak. He can feel the hum of the shock unit. Nothing moves for a moment and then the man in the uniform turns sneering at him. _You don’t get to remember him. You don’t deserve my memories._ Pictures dance in front of him. Snapshots of cold winters and newspapers, warm summer days and sweating over a too frail body. _The Asset Obeys._ He see’s an agent in black walking up; he feels the mouth guard forcing it’s way into his mouth. His arms strapped down, his head forced back and he does not struggle as the clamps whir around his head. He makes no noise. The man in beige screams. _The Asset Obeys._


	6. Present: Banner

Bruce Banner. Hulk. Threat level minimal unless engaged.   
Bruce sits him in a chair and Bucky already feels the uncomfortable prickle of The Asset standing close.  
“I know I’m not a proper therapist, but we need to know more about your issues before we enlist outside help.”  
“Everyone is too scared I’ll snap and kill them right?”  
“Yes. The only reason I’m not is because I know that you know I’m friends with Steve. Hurting me would be like hurting Steve. You don’t want to do that again do you?” The Asset let’s the threat slide, allowing Barnes to pull on memories of hurting Steve. He lets out a pained whine and nods slowly.  
“Good, now do you ever hallucinate, not including flashbacks.”  
“No.”  
“Do you have flashbacks?”  
“Yes.”  
“Are the flashbacks triggered by anything.”  
“Yes.”  
“What is a common trigger you can think of? It’ll help us know what situations to avoid.”  
“Insufficient data.”  
“What is the most dangerous trigger?”  
“Insufficient data.”  
“Are you unable to identify triggers unless you’re experiencing it?”  
“Yes.”   
“Alright, now Bucky, we’ve all noticed that since the codes have been removed you seem to dissociate. You have periods where while you’re aware of what is going on and what you’re doing, you also seem confused and uncertain when recalling events you completed moments before. Do you have any idea what-“  
“The Asset. Hydra’s programming I’d assume. It, he takes control when I’m having trouble, he gets me through things I’m not certain of. Hydra trained The Asset, they tried to destroy Barnes.”  
“Which are you more of now?”  
“It varies, mostly In-between.”  
“The Asset, and In-between are they separate people? Do you not have access to their memories or consciousness?”  
“I’m not that brand of crazy, I’m not you and Hulk.” The pencil splinters a fraction, the yellow paint crackling as Banner smiles at him.  
“The Hulk and I are nothing like you, Barnes.” Bucky knows he’s baiting him, knows the Asset is egging him on and he sighs inwardly before shaking his head.  
“Sorry Dr. Banner. I’m not really myself, you understand right?” It’s another low jab and Bucky wants to strangle himself for letting the words spew from his mouth.  
“Sorry I’ll go. I’m sorry to-“ he catches his face in the mirror and sees The Asset humming in victory. Of course he wouldn’t want help. Help means he’s useless. Bucky swallows shakily and sits back in the chair looking up at Bruce.  
“The Asset is what Hydra used for the missions, they tried to cage me, to cage Barnes, destroy every scrap of him that wasn’t useful. Some things got by them; little things, making the bed with hospital corners. They needed him. I guess I need him too. He’s whom I know I can turn to; he’ll shoulder what I need to and get shit done when I can’t even get out of bed. He-“  
“So the Asset is in a sense a coping mechanism. Bucky, you were tortured for years, I’m surprised how well adjusted you are.”  
“Obeying, not adjusted.”  
“Obeying? No one’s given you anything close to an order since you’ve gotten here, we’ve been careful about that. We don’t want to trigger you because-“  
“You don’t want me to kill everyone. I get it, I’m dangerous and SHIELD needs to know if they need to put a bullet in me now or if they should wait till after I finish a mission right? I’m traumatized not dumb. I know how war works and I know how orders are given. They’ve got a war on their hands if they think I’ll play Asset for them.” Bruce shifts in his seat and Bucky can tell he’s getting uncomfortable.  
“Listen, just ask your questions I’ll shut up for now. I’ll play nice, don’t want to make you more uncom-“  
“When you attacked Sam, did you mean to?”  
“The Asset meant it, last time he saw Sam he was a threat.”  
“You talk of him in third person- sorry back to the actual questions. Do you wish harm on anyone of the team? For any reason.”  
“None of them have given me a reason.”  
“What’s a good enough reason? What was so important to you, that you broke Sam’s wrist and were going to crush his windpipe?” Bucky looks up his face pulling downwards and tilting his head. Bruce is surprised to see genuine confusion coating his face and he leans forward.  
“What is a good enough reason?” Bruce repeats and watches Bucky’s face slacken and then return into the tense position.  
“He was going for Stevie.”  
“To congratulate him on the mission, to say hello. Is that not allowed?” Bucky pauses, licking his lips casting his eyes to the ground before looking back up and shaking his head.  
“Just surprised me is all.”  
“That’s not what your face said just then.” Bucky frowns, brushing his metal hand against his jaw, pressing his hand over his mouth before it moves to clutch against the back of his neck. His flesh hand jerks by his side, the movement drawing Bruce’s attention.  
“I’m waiting.”  
“The Asset will take out any threats; any threats to the handler.”  
“Sam’s a threat now?”  
“Not anymore.” Bucky shrugs and twines his fingers together rubbing his thumb over the flesh on his hand.  
“You’ve met Sam before, he was with Steve when they rescued you. You know he’s not a threat to Steve, what made you snap.” Bucky hangs his head and when he looks up Bruce can tell he’s not really there.  
“ ‘S my Steve, I know him better than anyone.”  
“That may be true, but Steve needs other friends, none of them will replace you.” Bruce watches as Bucky’s flesh hand jerks against his side before he stands up and moves towards the door.  
“Same time next week then?” It comes out harsher than he wants but he trudges out of the room running into Steve who smiles and pats his shoulder.  
“How did talking with Bruce go?”  
“He said I’m dangerous because I’m too attached to you.”  
“You’re not dangerous Buck, just confused.”  
“I snapped Sam’s wrist.”  
“Because you thought he was going to hurt me, like the agent you had to kill, come here. While I’m not happy you tried to kill him, I’m trying to understand why you did it. Bruce is here to help you understand why too.”


	7. Peggy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much angst

The Asset lets him have this moment. Bucky’s sitting next to Steve he brushes his hand against his, his flesh hand stutters as it runs along Steve’s fingers.  
“There’s a lot you’ve missed out on. I know it’s almost impossible to take it in at once but, something no one told me was that everyone we know, they’re;”  
“Dead, I know Stevie, I know. Not that hard to figure out.” Steve’s grip on his hand tightens.  
“I’ve had months to adjust being out of my ice. You didn’t even get an hour.” Bucky’s smile comes out crooked and Steve returns it.  
“We haven’t cleared you for field work, Bruce thinks you need more therapy, but I’m sure you’ll be going on smaller missions. You are a SHIELD agent after all.” Bucky tilts his head at Steve’s smiling face.  
“Peggy, you should know; she made you an agent of SHIELD, your name is on the wall of the fallen.” Steve turns his head, smiling at the blonde woman who enters. Bucky registers her as Sharon. The Asset stays quiet as she sits across from them.  
“Steve told me you need some help adjusting to the modern world. Has there been anything you’ve been confused about?”  
“Carter right? Your last name.”  
“Yes, you look troubled?”  
“I knew someone with that last name, you look similar.”  
“Peggy, she was my aunt.”  
“I’m sorry. It must be hard having her gone.”  
“She was alive, up until the bombing at the UN, remember, how we found you. Steve was at her funeral. How did you know she was gone?”  
“Buck?”  
“I visited her, once, before the bombing, the Asset visited her as well. I’m sorry Steve. I’m so sorry.”  
“The Asset? She was a mission?”  
“Partly. Some sort of sick game they wanted to play with her, as her memory faded.”  
“Did you, I mean, can you talk about it or?” Steve looks too hopeful and Bucky hopes the Asset won’t choke him as he tries to explain. He angles it in his mind as giving a mission report, and that seems to quiet the confused anger as he opens his mouth and spews about when he met Peggy after the war.

The Asset makes no noise as he steps form the shadows.  
“Bucky?” Peggy looks up at him, he can see the gray in her hair, it’s easily overtaken the brown yet she keeps it curled just as she did when she walked into Barnes’ life. The Asset watches her as she crosses the room and he does not move from the window. She’s standing next to him within a few steps.  
“What are you doing here Barnes.” She’s hissing, he can feel the anger bubbling under her skin. He watches her before moving further from the window and as Peggy backs up he can see a moment where she feels fear. It’s gone as quick as is comes but he see’s it all the same. The Asset laughs, cold and hollow, empty like the rest of him. He does not pull out a weapon; his mission is not to fight. He knows this is something Barnes made him do. He holds out a crumpled piece of paper, a copy, chicken scratch scrawled messily in between briefs and medical checks.  
“If you need. If you come across me again. For your safety. Stevie would never forgive me if I hurt his best girl.” He vanishes through the window again. Peggy doesn’t say anything, taking the paper and reading the string of random words.  
She’s quiet when she see’s him next; she’s tense, restrained by five men. Two lay dead on the floor. The Asset stalks towards her. One of the men laughs as Peggy chokes out his name.  
“Barnes. Barnes look at me. What about Steve?” The Asset jerks back. One of the men slaps her.  
The Asset doesn’t move to stop the men, he uncaps a needle tapping it to release the air bubbles. He brushes her hair from her face, twirling a strand of silver against the fading brown. He plunges the needle into her arm dropping it when he’s finished and ignoring the men as he goes to stand by the window, ignoring the cry of pain from Peggy as the liquid starts to settle into her system. The men laugh retreating towards the door. The Asset is not punished for his reaction; one of the men takes pity. A strange but welcome reprieve of screams and punishments. The interaction is not put in his files. Pierce is glad; he makes a note to send him on further missions involving Peggy Carter. To check on the serum they have given her. The Asset hushes the Barnes creature’s protests.  
“Won’t take long for that to set in will it?” One of the agents is laughing.  
“It’ll be about two years before anything starts happening. She’ll be out of Shield in three years, I bet.”  
“I say five.” It takes ten for her to bow out from her position, as her mind falls apart from under her. The men avoid the nursing home she goes into. They give no official missions to the Asset but sometimes they have him deliver flowers to her in mockery, they make him sign them in the flowing script of his captain. They don’t bother checking why it is that he can mimic the handwriting perfectly.  
His handlers don’t let him run free but the sloppy Americans who now keep him tend to lose track easily. The Asset lets the Barnes creature direct him to a small hospital room, a nursing home; the window he crawls through is familiar in the ache of past missions. He does not let the Barnes creature have the memories of that mission, as desperate as he is for them. Crawling through the window he knows they’ll be alone, he knows he won’t have much time before he needs to run. The Asset lets Barnes take control again an apology of sorts as Barnes brushes a shaky hand against Peggy Carters face.  
"Peggy.."  
"Its okay, you were forced, it’s okay." He nods sinking himself into her hold the first bit of kindness he’s felt on American soil in decades. Peggy stays quiet for a moment pulling away after a pause, her eyes foggy and unseeing, and both Barnes and the Asset know time is up.  
“Goodbye Peggy.” He vanishes from the window and listens to the nurse ask Peggy why the window is open. He only hopes it’ll be quick as he drops the needle on the fire escape.

Bucky sighs looking up worriedly at Steve. Guilt coats his face and he chews his lip as he waits for Steve to respond to his report.  
“The Asset did it right Buck? It was his mission to finish her off right? It’s why you were in her nursing home before she died? It was a mission, wasn’t it?” Bucky closes his eyes avoiding looking at Steve as he shakes his head. He hears Sharon’s shout and can feel Steve’s hand on his throat seconds after.  
He opens his eyes and immediately see’s the anger vanish.  
“Buck. Please.”  
“No! Be angry at me. I killed her Stevie! I killed your girl.”  
“If I’m angry at you, if I hate you for what you were forced to do I’d lose both of you. Don’t make me do this.” Bucky swallows turning his head away from Steve’s wounded gaze.  
“If you’re not going to do something I damn well will.” Both men turn to see Sharon standing a snarl on her face.  
“He murdered my aunt. He killed the head of SHIELD. He should pay for that. He should be locked up. He’s dangerous. This proves it, he knew what he was doing Steve, he may not have had a choice but he did it.”  
“Sharon, you can’t-“  
“He killed her Steve. Not to mention probably hundreds of others. Important leaders, political issues, he probably started wars for them. How easy it would be for him to pick up where he left off.”  
“No.”  
Bucky does not jump when Steve’s fist slams into the table. Sharon steps back and he watches the fear bleed onto her face.  
“Steve..”  
“Sharon. If you bring that to anyone, if people find out. You wont just have to put him in jail.”  
“Steve you don’t know what you’re saying.”  
“I know exactly what I’m saying Carter. And you can be damned sure if you touch Bucky. If you think about throwing him on the Raft or sinking him into some hellhole in god knows where. I’ll be right next to him. Or I’ll be getting him out the second the doors shut.” Bucky realizes he’s trembling and as he watches his hand twitch he wonders if it’s from anger or fear. Steve turns to him nodding and the Asset nods back following him back towards his room. He does not look back but hears Sharon talking hushed into a phone. Steve rolls his eyes and pats Bucky on the shoulder.  
“Sorry Buck. You alright? That wasn’t to triggering or-“  
“Stevie, you shouldn’t have said that. You were just upset and-“  
“I’m not going to have you putting words in my mouth too. I got enough of that in the war and far too much extra after being showboated as SHIELD’s golden boy.” Bucky nods fighting back a yawn and shaking his head  
“You’re no one’s golden boy. If they knew half the shit you’ve put me through just by being your stupid punk ass self they wouldn’t look up to you as much. Do they know how many times you lied to try to get into the army? Last I heard of it; it was at seventeen. I’m sure you added a few more notches on that particular belt since I got shipped out didn’t you?”  
Steve ducks his head and Bucky laughs as his ears flush pink.  
“Come on Stevie, you know I love you, but you can’t keep throwing yourself in front of me. I’m a big boy, I can protect myself, I have a metal arm now, I’m all grown up.” Bucky tries to smile, tries to joke about it but he can feel the light pressure of The Asset tugging him back.  
“Buck. I’m sorry I made a scene but ‘m not sorry about what I said.”  
“It’s okay. You’re probably right anyways.”  
“Probably right? Buck I’m talking about your freedom. Your safety.”  
“ Anytime I get freedom I just end back up in someone else’s cage.”  
“Buck I won’t let that happen.”  
“Sharon’s right. I didn’t have a choice but I know what I did. Everyone is right. I shouldn’t be allowed out. I should be locked up, my arm disabled. I shouldn’t be allowed out of my room.”  
“Bucky, just take a moment, you’re riled up from earlier.”  
“And you’re not? I’m a murderer. Steve you know what I’ve done you’ve read all the files they had on me.” Steve stays quiet. Refusing to look up Bucky nods and huffs through his nose.  
"You know it's true. I'm a monster. You can only protect a monster for so long before it turns on you."  
"You're not a monster, and you won't turn on me. I know you Bucky." The Asset lets Barnes nod. before jerking him back and stumbling towards the bed.   
"Are you tired Buck?"   
"Need rest. Not functioning well." The voice he uses is gravely and scratched from disuse. Both Barnes and The Asset know it is the Inbetween taking over


	8. Steve

“I know I went back on it. But I’m going back on that now. He’s not safe. Never mind that he tried to kill me for saying hello. His past with Nat could be dangerous. What if he thinks her a traitor? What if he’s ‘reactivated and goes for you. What if one of us unknowingly gives him an order. Sharon’s right, we need something to keep him in check. Just a quick look from the outside is all. Nothing permanent. Nothing concrete, just something to settle our fears.” Sam looks up nodding to Steve who sighs.  
“I’m not afraid of him.”  
“You don’t get an opinion in this. Not right now. We, as a team fear him. He needs to be confirmed as safe. We need to be certain the codes, his programming won’t come back to bite us in the ass again.”  
‘I can-“  
“Enough Steve. You don’t need to defend him to us.”  
“From. I’m defending him from you.”  
“Steve. Listen to yourself. You hear Bucky and you get so lost we’re having trouble bringing you back. We say Bucky and your back in the forties, back before Cap. Is that what you want? He’s not that person anymore Steve. He’s told you that himself. When are you going to start listening? What’s it going to take for you to see that he’s not the person you knew, he’s not Bucky from the forties, he’s not the winter soldier either. He’s not a killing machine, but he’s not a person yet. He has a lot of recovery he needs to go through.”  
“Bring him down to the center, maybe talking to some other people will help. People who’ve been through what he’s been through.”  
“No one’s been through what he’s been through.” Sam’s hand hits the wall.  
“Dammit Steve you don’t think I know that. It’s worth a try. Keeping him locked up in here is only making him think we gave him a bigger cage than hydra.”  
“We’re not them. We’re nothing like them.”  
“Why is he waking up every night screaming then? He forgets where he is. He can’t remember how to eat certain foods. He carries around grenades for god’s sake. He needs help that we can’t give him. I don’t know if anyone can.”  
“So what do you propose then? We drug him and find a hole to throw him in then? Or maybe go to the Raft? What about just finding a firing squad, god knows there’s thousands out for his blood.”  
“Steve. We’re not on a witch-hunt. We’re not trying to take him from here. We just want him to get better, same as you.” Steve sighs shaking his head as he retreats towards his room. He stumbles down the hallway trying to calm himself down.  
“They won’t take him. They won’t hurt him. They wont take him. They wont hurt him.” He repeats to himself, he see’s the faintest corner of Bucky’s shadow as he enters his room. He finds Bucky curled under the table by his bed, wedged under it his arms wrapping his head as he trembles.  
“Buck?”

“I can’t get them out of my head, they keep screaming. Over and over and over.”  
“Who keeps screaming?” Steve crouches over the table hovering his hands closer to Bucky’s form.  
“I don’t know. I don’t know. Can’t see faces. They don’t have faces. Why don’t they have faces Stevie.” Bucky trembles more and Steve realizes he’s trying to get out from under the table.  
“Buck, can I move the table or should I just sit with you?”  
“Sit. Stay, please stay please stay. They’re not around when you’re here. They don’t scream when you’re here. Please. Please Stevie, don’t leave, don’t go.” Steve nods, sitting next to Bucky on the floor. From this position Steve not only has full view of his door, but the new angle means he can see the pile of weapons Bucky has brought in. Guns and knives and various batons and electrical weapons are piled next to his chest of drawers.  
“What’s that about?”  
“Figured it’d be better for you to have them so I don’t use ‘em the wrong way.”  
“You feeling like you want to put a bullet in your own skull?”  
“Not mine.” Bucky jerks his head slightly and tucks it back under his arms.  
“Buck, bed’s comfier.”  
“Safer.”  
“How is this safer?”  
“I can’t move easy, so I can’t hurt you.”  
“Buck.” Steve sighs, placing his hand against the tables’ leg, he can feel Bucky shift against the table, moving so the tables’ leg bumps against Steve’s hand before it’s pushed out of his field of touch. Steve waits and a moment later he feels a feather touch of Bucky’s flesh hand, his thumb slowly moves against Steve’s before his entire hand shoots out and engulfs Steve’s. Seconds later he’s shot out from under the table and clambered into Steve’s lap awkwardly trying to curl himself into Steve. Steve smiles into the crown of Bucky’s head and wraps his arms around him.  
“In a little bit we can try sitting on the bed alright?”  
“Okay.”  
“Buck, you there?” a pause that lasts too long has Steve shifting on the floor slightly when Bucky doesn’t stir he takes a moment to watch his face in sleep. The dark circles under his eyes and the sunkness of his face have Steve frowning. He shifts Bucky’s weight against his arm, and tries not to worry too much about how much lighter he feels. He shifts shouldering most of Bucky’s weight as he brushes his now free hand through his slightly tangled hair. His hair is a little past his shoulders. Unwilling to trust any of the team behind him with a knife or pair of scissors Steve hadn’t bothered asking about going to a barber shop.


	9. Natasha

Natasha. Natyka. Widow. Asset. Partner. Tasha. Child. Target.  
The Asset met her first. This is what everyone believes. He’s convinced with how she does not speak to him for the first few days she believes this too.  
It’s Barnes who finds her first. Snivelling in a weapons closet. She tells him of the game they had been playing but no one had come to get her. He brings her back towards the handler. The handler looks bewildered. To him he’s just stumbled upon The Asset holding the hand of one of the Red Room’s girls. He knows Ivan will kill him for exposing one of the girls to men so early. The Asset does not have this fear; he brings the child back to Ivan. The man reeks of cigars and mildew and as he laughs, pulling the girl close to him as she tries to shrink away the Asset pretends not to hear his gruff voice.  
“You mustn’t rely on men. Only yourself. People like that will kill you without a second look if ordered. You can’t be so easily taken. Remember little one, you must finish your training with Madam B before you’re allowed to play with the men.”  
The Asset meets her when he trains the girls. Barnes is never sure if it was days after their meeting or years. Neither of them speak of their first meeting and with the way her eyes un-focus for moments he wonders if she to is shocked into submission. 

He meets her again in the kitchen of the compound. It’s three am and he’s staring into the sink, unsure of what roused him from sleep. She retrieves a glass of water, filling one for him to. He drinks it and watches her as she lingers.  
“Speak, if you’d like.”  
“I was hiding in the closet when you found me, I thought it was a dream; they tried to shock it out of me.”  
“Ivan right? He was the leader?”  
“No Madame B, Ivan was the one who brought me to her.”  
“You tried to run?”  
“Hide. She would make us dance and practice forms for hours on end. She was trying to break us, so we could be reformed how they wanted.”  
“Only fragile things break when overused.” Bucky steps forward peering down at her. She quirks her eyebrow. He watches her shoulders draw up tense, lines likely forming down her spine as she readies herself for his attack. He leers over her, his flesh hand twitches forward and she pushes herself back. He reaches over picking the glass up in his metal hand; pressing his thumb inwards watching spider web cracks appear on the glass. He presses his flesh thumb letting the blood run into the cracks slowly. They both still, watching the blood complete the spider web.  
“You are not a fragile thing, not in the way they wanted you to be.” He places the glass down on the counter and turns to leave.  
She catches his wrist and he ignores her slight tug.  
“You normally don’t touch the metal. Most people fear it, even unbreakable ones.” The Asset chuckles watching her from the corner of his eye. He knows she won’t fight him. Not while she believes him to be Barnes.  
“You’re not Bucky. Tony and I can see it. Steve’s too blinded, that attack on Sam was pushing it. Sam knows now too. Banner will find out the longer you stay in therapy. What mission did they program into you, before you escaped.” Bucky shakes his head, keeping his eyes on her hand; which has tightened against his wrist.  
“Mission report.” Natasha winces at her own voice.  
“They didn’t give me any mission.”  
“That’s not possible, they had to give you something after you failed to kill Steve the first time.”  
Bucky jerks his hand out of her grip.  
“Wasn’t ordered to kill Stevie. Just the Captain.”


	10. Mask

The mask sits against the nightstand and he’s not sure if he should throw it against the wall or find someplace to bury it. He picks it up, surprised at how light it is. Turning it in his hand he peers in the inside, something he had never given much thought to, but now he hopes it’ll unlock some memory, some code to help him heal. The black fabric stares back at him. He sighs, inching the mask towards his mouth, pressing the unyielding piece over his nose, and snapping the plate around his jaw. It’s tight, tense but he surprised by the amount of movement, enough to run his tongue against his lips. _Enough to be able to scream and be heard._ Some distant voice rings in his head. He tugs the mask off noticing the scent of flowers vanishing. Furrowing his brow he presses the mask back towards his face inhaling. The shower gel, from this morning, it’s soaked into everything and he can now smell it. Filtration system he hums to himself, he places the mask back against the nightstand and turns his back to it. His eyes catch the mirror and his hand swings back to press it once more to his face. He sighs as he looks at himself in the mirror. His face looks too pale with the black of the mask staining him. He staggers forward trying to imagine why he’d need a muzzle for so long. _The Asset speaks of past missions sometimes._ He remembers the flurry of activity after that. The screaming as two of the tech were shot. The ache of the clamps against his arms and legs, the twisting feeling in his gut as the bite guard got closer. The tang of rubber in his mouth as his screams died in his throat. He remembers waking after the round of shocks and then the integration into cryo. They had found a way to work on his wipes while he was frozen. _Progress and ease of use._ He doesn’t remember the past mission, only the skills he needed. He can tell they’re keeping a list of his skills, he recognizes the scraping of a pen as he is awoken. He does not answer the questions they ask. He has not been told to speak. One of the men laughs. He still does not speak. His handler comes, directing him to his room. The small space just enough for a mattress and a nightstand. They removed the bed frame after he used it to impale the guard and tech that had come to fix his arm. They had deemed his desperation useful and had not wiped him for their deaths. As they lock him in the room for the night, telling him to recalibrate and let the lingerings of the cryo-sleep leave his system, he questions who’s desperation he was using. He ignores the faint voice mumbling about having them on the ropes. The Asset does not dream. But as he lays on the bed he can feel memories slipping through the cracks. He feels the warmth from another body. He's carrying someone, half dragging them after the little punk didn't know when to quit. He feels the coolness of alcohol and anti-septic as he wipes away blood from a split lip. He ignores the urge to kiss them, shaking his head of the idea of warmth. He turns over on the mattress and curls against himself, careful to leave enough room for a smaller body to leech his body heat. he waits for them to return. The Asset does not dream, he remembers. Ever cold fingers running against his cheek and jaw, cracking one eye open to see a blinding smile against dim sunlight. A laugh and a cup of coffee shoved towards him. The paper laid out on the table, and a joke about having a housewife. The ache and gaze that lingers too long before it's broken by coughing and worry shoots through his veins. The Asset leans over, his hands running against the others body with a gentleness he's not sure he has ever known. He can feel the warmth, almost burning him. His face lights on fire when he feels lips brushing against his. When had he closed his eyes. He accepts this new sensation allowing himself to drop his guard slightly, to run his hand against a spine and to let it settle, fanning out against ribs. He opens his eyes and waits for orders. _The Asset Obeys._ The mask sits against the nightstand and he’s not sure if he should put it on or find somewhere to bury it.


	11. Following

He’s watching them sit around the table eating food.  
“Come join us.” Wrong. _The Asset Obeys._  
He sits down; the empty space next to Steve is now his.  
_On your left._ Wrong. _The Asset Obeys._  
He picks up a slice of pizza eating half of it in one go. He chews slightly. His mouth opens before he can stop himself.  
“Angello’s is better.” _Wrong. The Asset Obeys._  
“No way, this is the best pizza in New York, I don’t care what you two grandpa’s say.” He turns to watch Steve. His Steve stands up brushing his arm against his; Steve’s thumb moving in a gesture of retreat.  
_The Asset will remove any threats. The Asset Obeys. The Asset will not tolerate danger to its handler. The Asset Obeys._  
“Buck?” Steve smiles, holding his hand out. He takes it stumbling from the couch careful not to trip over anyone as his Steve leads him back to his own room. _The Asset Obeys._  
“You did good out there, I’m proud of you. You’re getting better, even if it’s just little things.” Steve kisses his forehead and bids him goodnight and a restful sleep. _The Asset Obeys._  
He wakes up shivering and turns slightly to watch the neon numbers on the clock tick upwards. Steve had told him he was allowed to come into his room whenever he wanted. He never ordered him to come, only reaffirming if Bucky wanted to he had the choice. No alert or allowance for want or choices had been given to him. He stays where he is awaiting orders. _The Asset Obeys._  
Bucky turns back ignoring the glare from the clock.  
“Mr. Barnes, Mr. Rogers requests your presence in the kitchen.” He sits up in his bed staring at the wall before nodding up to the ceiling. He doesn’t bother with clothes; the boxers he’s wearing from yesterday will serve well enough. He starts the pathway from his room to the kitchen. Seventy-five steps then left twenty steps then through the first set of doors. _The Asset Obeys._  
Steve’s smiling at him when he enters through the doorway.  
“Bucky! Sleep okay?” He nods keeping his eyes at the ground as he passes over a knife into Steve’s hands. _The Asset will arm all handlers. The Asset Obeys._  
“Thank you Buck, but it’s okay. Remember? Till the end of the line.” Almost shyly he lifts his head and meets Steve’s face, he knows he looks childish and hopeful, and he can see how Steve’s face falter as he blanks his own. He opens his mouth closing it before he speaks out of turn.  
“Bad day? You can go back to bed if you need..” Steve starts but his hand falters out to brush against metal fingers. He watches as Steve takes his metal hand and interlocks their fingers before turning the clasped hands around and moving his other hand to brush up the length of the arm, it curves around his elbow he can feel a shiver run through his body as Steve’s hand brushes the skin just beyond his scars and the attachment area. He shifts slightly and Steve pulls back face flushing pink and stumbling over an apology.  
“Buck, sorry -I know you don’t- I forgot it’s not like how- sorry, I got carried away, won’t happen again.” Steve looks forlornly at his own hands and rubs one of them up and down the other. His flesh hand practically lunges forward, tugging Steve’s hand free of himself and placing it back against his shoulder, past the scars and onto the tense flesh of his shoulder and neck. His breathing hitches slightly and he hopes his face is twisting into some sort of smile as he nods to Steve.  
“Buck, I don’t want to push you. It’s alright, it’s okay.” Tilting his head he lets his hair brush against Steve’s hand. Steve’s ears pink and he nods again hoping Steve will relax. He can feel the heat Steve’s giving off; the coil of muscle in his hands and the tendons stretched arching over his skin. Steve wants this, it doesn’t matter what he wants. He doesn’t admit he wants it too. _The Asset Obeys._  
Steve moves his hand slightly up and he can feel soft fingers brushing his jaw. Reflexively he opens his mouth. He looks questioningly at Steve for a moment before closing his mouth, unsure where the bite guard is. _The Asset Obeys._ Steve nods sadly and pulls his hand away, returning to his original position of holding his hand, flesh fingers interlaced with metal as he tugs softly.  
“Come on Buck, let’s get you back to bed, didn’t get to sleep till 3 am did you? It’s only five am, plenty of time to sleep more.” Steve maneuvers him out of the way of the couch. Through the door twenty steps then a right; seventy-five steps until they stand next to his bed. _The Asset Obeys._  
“Come on. Let’s get some sleep yeah?” Steve pulls the covers back, turning one of the pillows over and pulling a rumpled shirt from under the covers, he places it on a chair as he nods and pushes Bucky slightly till his legs hit the bed. Steve nods again smiling still. He pushes his hand against his back, watching as he flops onto the bed.  
“Scoot over punk, I need room too. You sleep better with someone else, I don’t understand why you don’t ask, we did this every night when I was sick, and then again during the war to stay warm. Just relax, sleep next to me for tonight, if you don’t like it then I’ll leave you alone.” Steve shoves Bucky and he moves over to the other side of the bed. He watches Steve pulls his shirt off and throws his pants and socks into a pile with it, tugging the comforter over both of them he rolls over to look him in the eye.  
“G’night Buck. Sleep well.” Steve smiles as he settles against the pillow. The lights dim and then flick off and he watches Steve pretending like he’s not studying his face with his enhanced vision. He pretends to sleep, dropping his breathing down and barely keeping his eyes open. He loves to watch Steve this way. Comforted by the false sleep Steve’s face softens and the tension he holds at the base of his neck and in his jaw vanishes as he presses himself slightly closer. _The Asset Obeys. Handlers’ preference for cuddling is well known and documented._ He rolls over, pressing his back against Steve’s chest letting Steve’s arm drape around him. Steve hums slightly, his grip tightening and pulling Bucky even closer. Steve murmurs something against Bucky’s neck and he can feel Steve fall asleep, taking comfort as each of his limbs slack and his body weighs itself down with calm. He does not allow himself to enjoy the moment, focusing on shutting himself down in preparation for sleep and more nightmares. _The Asset Obeys._ Bucky shifts slightly, enjoying the warmth of Steve more than he should; he casts his thoughts back to Steve ordering him to sleep well. If he curls himself closer to Steve he tells himself he is simply following orders. _The Asset Obeys._


	12. Previous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically this chapter takes place after Chapter 8 (Steve)

Bucky wakes up groggy and stumbles from the bed. He notes the pile of weapons and ponders for a minute why they’re in Steve’s room.  
_So you can’t use them to hurt the other Assets. Steve would be upset by that._  
Satisfied with that answer he can feel a dull throbbing in his shoulders. He reasons this was caused by his previous position before he slept, wedged under the table as some form of punishment.  
Steve was odd and usually never gave him punishments. Preferring for Bucky or the Asset to punish himself in small ways. He slows himself as he staggers to the door.

_Why is he in Steve’s room?  
What happened the last time you slept in someone else’s bed?_

Another voice questions back. Bucky shudders as the Asset lets loose memories of Handler Rumlow.  
Brock Rumlow insists on leading as many of the Assets missions as he can. Brock keeps him too close. He strokes the Asset’s hair and the Asset shivers at the touch. He is not used to kindness however twisted it may be. The Asset does not open his mouth; no matter how many times Brock asks how he’s doing. The Asset sits quiet, unmoving, his legs shaking with effort to keep himself up in the stress position. Brock walks by and touches his cheek. He makes a noise in the back of his throat and the Asset knows he’s allowed to relax. He can hear Brock scolding another agent, screeching about damaging his property. The Asset doesn’t correct him that Pierce is his owner. 

Rumlow brings him home one day. The Asset sleeps in his bed, with Rumlow faking anger at it, shouting about sleeping on the couch before throwing his pillow back onto the bed and shoving The Asset from the middle to the side. The Asset doesn’t let himself think about sleeping in the same bed. The Asset does not get to sleep like his handlers. He allows himself a moment to remember, a dangerous idea but a comfort as he wraps himself in the blanket pretending to wrap someone smaller in his arms. He wakes to find Rumlow’s back against his. He lets Rumlow get ready for the day. Rumlow taps his cheek. The Asset waits till he is finished dressed before hugging him goodbye. A no longer strange addition to his routine with Rumlow as his handler.  
“I’ll be seeing your Captain today. Anything you want me to say to him?” Rumlow laughs as The Asset stays silent. The Asset can’t help the prickle of fear when he thinks of Rumlow and his Captain working together. The Asset does not mention he knows Rumlow is not talking about Pierce. Pierce was never a Captain. Just like The Asset was never a sergeant.  
He smirks at the Asset and orders him to return to the base. When the Asset returns Pierce is furious, snarling and throwing things against the wall. He screams about damaging the conditioning. The Asset is not blamed, but is still punished for Rumlow’s failures. Pierce scolds and rants at The Asset in place of Rumlow, cringing as he describes weakness and caring. The Asset is unsure if he was ever cared for. He does not speak of wiping sweat dampened hair from a forehead or layering blankets and curling around a body that was burning yet freezing at the same time. Pierce slaps him again hissing out a basic command. The Asset stands and vanishes. Returning to the chamber in which they keep him. He lets the technicians assess him. 

They find nothing wrong on the brain scans. Rumlow enters the base and the technicians scramble to explain how the night out of cryo damaged The Asset. Rumlow rolls his eyes listing off missions where the he was out of cryo for weeks with no ill effects. The technicians scold Rumlow about the internal damage and the sedative’s lingering in his system complaining how it’ll make integrating him into cryo take longer. They hint at the events necessitating the use of the sedative’s to be the cause of his issues. Rumlow blames the Asset, just like the time before, and the time before that.  
The Asset makes sure Barnes is in the bathroom when he vomits. Of course this does not mean he makes it into the toilet. Barnes nervous and unsure of the sickening rolling of his stomach stands frozen before his body heaves and he vomits onto the floor. He has the sense to step back to avoid it touching his feet. The vomit, is nothing more that slightly frothy water and bile. He covers it with a towel and goes to find Steve. Steve will know how to clean it.  
_You’ll make him sick. It’s an infection risk. Do not allow Steve to come in contact with it._  
He finds Natalia-Tasha-Nat, he finds Nat in the room before Steve’s so he brings her to the bathroom looking guiltily at the floor.  
“The towel?”  
“Got sick, dunno how to fix it.” He watches her face soften.  
“It’s alright. I’ll clean it, you want to watch in case it happens again?” This is how Barnes re-learns how to clean vomit from the floor. He has a faint memory of anti-septic and a scrubbing pad, taking his anger at infection out of the soiled rug.  
_Why’d he have to catch the bug. If he’d have stayed out later Stevie wouldn’t have gotten sick again. Your fault. Your fault._ Your-  
“All done. Good job. We can just throw these away.” Nat holds the soaked towels and puts them into the trash can.  
“We’ll let Steve know you need a new towel, okay?”  
“Okay. Thank you. Nat” Nat watches him smiling.  
“Did I say something wrong?”  
“No it’s the first time you’ve called me by my name here.” Barnes licks his lips and nods. He does not talk about his memories of shooting her. Or about strangling her. He does not bring up the further back memories of her training, his hands snapping her leg, or twisting her hair and throwing her against the concrete over and over. He does not comment on her short hair. He wonders how long it took her to re-learn that lesson outside of the Red Room.  
Steve appears before he has anymore thoughts and looks oddly at the floor before turning to Nat, and asking about what happened. She just gestures to Bucky and then turns walking away.  
“Got sick.”  
“Did you eat something or-“  
“Memory. Should talk to Banner about it, right?” Bucky looks to Steve for confirmation and see’s a soft smile on his face.  
“That’d be a good idea Buck. Want me to go with you, I’ll leave when you start talking.”  
“Please.” Steve nods, pulling Bucky in for a hug. He goes ridged unsure if this is meant for before mission orders like Rumlow.


	13. One Sided Conversation

Natasha looks worried when Steve see’s her next.  
“What happened?”  
“Barnes, The Asset, he was ordered to kill Captain America for his last mission. What if that programming is still in him?”  
“Nat. He knows it’s me. He hasn’t hurt me yet.”  
“He’s waiting, trying to figure everything out and-“  
“Do you understand how paranoid you sound right now?” Steve watches her look around the room, a slight franticness creeping against her usual way of scanning.  
“Do you understand how serious this is? He’s probably waiting to kill you Steve. He’s been murdering people for seventy years. He knows how to wait, and you know he remembers how. Muscle memory is a hell of a thing to forget and-“  
“Stop. I’m aware of your concerns and beliefs that Buck isn’t stable, I know. I’ve had at least two lectures from Sam and three from Tony. I don’t need you too.”  
“They didn’t work with him. I know how he fights, I know how he kills, and I know how he plays people. He’s playing you right now I swear it. I don’t want you getting hurt.” Steve leans down, eye level with her.  
“Then stay out of my business.” He leaves and Natasha pales as Bucky stands in the doorway head cocked. He steps forward and Natasha stands her ground.  
“I need help in the bathroom.” He dips his head down, shame masking his face.  
“You’re a big boy clean up your own vomit.” Natasha rolls her eyes.  
“It’s not _my_ vomit that needs cleaning.”  
His hand closes on the back of her neck, and she feels his thumb shifting between her shoulder blades before a burst of pressure and then nothing. He steps back and smirks. Natasha steps forward gasping as one of her legs gives out completely as the rest of her body follows. Bucky helps her sit on the couch. He pats her hand, before scooping her up. Her breathing picks up as feeling returns to her limbs.  
“Come Nat, to the bathroom, don’t fuss, you can feel everything now, but still aren’t able to move. It’ll work itself out of your system in about twenty minutes. I don’t even need five.” Natasha can’t make a sound but she tries her best to thrash and get Tony’s system to notice something is wrong.  
“Hush, they AI won’t notice anything wrong, sweet thing it is. Easy enough to convince I needed some alone time with you. Team bonding, “Our get along shirt” protocol I believe. Now.” Bucky pauses settling her onto the toilet for a moment as he pulls a towel from the rack, Natasha stares at the bathwater, steam rising up from it.

“Into the tub you go.” He grabs her again before setting her into the bathwater fully clothed. She’s expecting to feel the water covering her head, or burning her skin but she blinks startled to find Bucky crouched next to her metal hand tracing pattering in the water and over her arm. He looks up from his spot on the bathmat. He dips his head closer to her, shoving a phone in her face.  
“I never knew you had a namesake.” He scrolls through a picture gallery of Nathaniel, and one of Clint’s family.  
“Looks like you too.” He winks putting the phone down.  
“You know what they say about spiders right?” He pauses smirking at her.  
“The ones that leave hiding die.”  
“They’re safe, only the team know where they are.”  
“And what am I now?” Bucky licks his lips laughing as her face drains of colour.  
“You’ve gotten sloppy, overlooking obvious details, very American I might say.”  
“If you-“ Natasha tries to rise up from the bath but Bucky pushes her down, letting her nose rest just above the water line.  
“It’s only been a minute.” He tilts her head up. She tries to spit water at him but it only dribbles down her mouth.  
“What do you want?” Bucky just shakes his head and laughs.  
“What makes you think I want something _from_ you?”  
“You wouldn’t be talking to me if I couldn’t give you something.” Natasha snarls as best she can.  
“I don’t want something from you. I want you to do something for me. Do you think you can manage it spiderling?”  
Natasha sets her jaw tense and lets a shutter come down over her face.  
“Little spider, I need an answer.” Bucky watches her as she refuses to say anything, he pulls his hand away letting her head drop under the water slightly. He pulls her up by her chin, forcing her head to tilt back and her lungs to force her mouth open as the water she breathed in settles in her lungs.  
“There we go. I’ll let you know in an hour. Here.” Bucky pulls her out of the water, wrapping the towel around her and setting her on the toilet before draining the water.  
“Don’t forget to dry your hair, wouldn’t want you getting sick.” He laughs a little before vanishing through the door.

Natasha stands in front of both Tony and Steve shifting on her feet.  
“I was wrong, about Barnes. He’s just in need of therapy and help healing from his trauma. I shouldn’t have been so harsh and quick to jump to conclusions based on the fact he tried to kill me twice.” She spits out the last bit with enough venom to make Steve wilt and shrink himself back.  
“Nat. It’s alright. Everyone was a little tense when I brought him in, I should have asked how everyone felt about it before bringing him in.” Natasha forces a smile and nods, turning to Tony who shrugs.  
“I think we should give him another chance, and clear him to go on missions with us, proper missions I mean.” Tony’s eyebrows shoot up.  
“You want to put him on missions, with the team?”  
“It seems like he’s going to be a team member whether we want him to be or not, so I figured we should speed up the process.” Natasha shrugs watching Bucky from the corner of her eyes. Steve smiles and Tony squirms in his seat.  
“If you insist, it doesn’t sit right with me but I’ll go along with it, just an Intel mission, I don’t like the idea of him having weapons.” Tony looks to Steve who opens his mouth as a knife shoots by embedding itself up to the handle into the chair by Tony.  
“Already got weapons on me. Or do you mean guns? I can do a lot more with just my arm that a gun can do. Your dad’s tech made sure of that.” Bucky raises an eyebrow as Tony tenses his body, puffing himself outwards and straightening in the chair.  
“You really think you’re the first Stark to sell shit to the wrong buyer. You’re more like Howard than I though. Shame really.” Natasha watches the way Bucky’s eyes shine and his lips curl into a smile. Tony scowls but says nothing as Steve places a hand on Bucky’s shoulder turning his head in the direction of his room. Bucky returns the nod and vanishes through the doorway.  
“Listen I know that could have gone a lot better, but thank you. Both of you for at least pretending to get along in front of me. I appreciate it. I’ve found a proper therapist, well Bruce found one, so Bucky will be able to heal from his trauma, and put the winter soldier behind him.” Steve smiles as Tony scoffs nodding.  
“You don’t put trauma behind you, you learn to manage the symptoms of it. Recovery isn’t possible when something’s in your DNA.” Steve ignores Tony’s comment to look at Natasha who gives a curt nod.  
“Not a problem.” She turns to leave.  
“Nat, why are your socks wet?”  
“Issue with the bathtub. You should check it out Stark, malfunctions are dangerous.” Natasha ignores the way her voice shakes and Steve’s face narrows in suspicion.


	14. Eidetic memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much less angst  
> Fun Fact while I'm pretty sure Parkson's isn't a real place he's based off of a very old family friend

“Is there anything else you remember?” Bucky turns his head slightly as Steve’s face arches upwards with hope.  
 _Clawing at the metal on your arm. Shooting the agent who failed. Screaming and screaming until you vomited. How a knife feels slicing through a five year olds stomach. The numbness when they threw you into cryo and it didn’t quiet work the first time. How soft the last puff of breath from someone’s lungs feels. The feeling of your own blood freezing in your body. Lying your way into a party to drug everyone and pretend to be a victim. Teaching eight year olds to do the same. Killing people who meant nothing to you. Killing your Captain’s best girl. Watching the life leave from someone’s eyes as you kill their family. Nightmares where you wake up soaked in blood and sweat. Punishments for refusing mission orders._  
“Besides watching you puke your guts out after the cyclone? Or the hot dogs?” Steve perks up at this. Bucky brushes the images of death from his mind.  
“How bout when you got that fancy commission from Charlie’s diner, in the newspaper. They let you have free meals for life. ‘Member how outraged you were cause they thought you were dyin’ and didn’t think they’d have to give you more than a years worth. I think Charlie bout died when I came in claiming to be you.” Bucky smiles and Steve laughs back.  
“The look on his face when he saw you in your army dress, he, he got so upset from it, didn’t realize you were shipping out. Made sure to give you the same deal I did.”  
“Is it still there? You think they’d let us cash it in?” Bucky laughs again. Steve shakes his head.

“Most of the places we know are parking lots or apartment building. Although I heard Mr. Evans’ shop is still there, his grandson is overseeing it now.” Steve laughs.  
“You think he’d remember us if we showed up? He must be what almost 100?”  
“I think he’d be closer to 110, think he’d still give us a free paper is we asked nicely.”  
“Stevie he never gave us anything nice. Is Parkson’s garage still around.”  
“Yeah it is, got a hell of an upgrade though why?”  
“You think that box I hid in the basement is still there. The one with our ticket stubs, and the first rejection letter you got? I bet if I sold that I’d be filthy rich.” Bucky smiles at him.  
“You’re never going to let that go if its still there are you?”  
“Mr. Parkson may have been in league with the mob, but at least it was the good mob.”  
“Bucky he was part of the IRA, they aren’t even technically the mob.”  
“He made killer stew though.”  
“He was a killer.” Bucky rolls his eyes, jabbing his elbow against Steve’s ribs.  
“Oh that’s somethin’ that’ll never get old.”  
“Getting free food from murderers?”  
“No being able to jab you in the rib and not break ‘em”  
“You’ve never broken my rib’s ‘fore!”  
“I cracked a few of ‘em. After you got in that fight cause Selridge didn’t know how to shut up about braggin’ when he got to sleep with that-“ Bucky blinks shaking his head.  
“Wrong Selridge.” Bucky smiles at Steve.  
“But same principal; you’d gotten smashed half to death, I had to rescue your ass and you were too busy fightin’ and bleeding everywhere to recognize me so you cracked me on the nose. I only meant to jab you in ‘em but they were already weak. Cracked a few. They healed up no problem. Specially after you got shot up with drugs huh.” Bucky wraps his hand against Steve’s arm.  
“Stay in school, don’t do drugs. I’m America’s golden boy.” Bucky screws up his face as he mocks Steve.  
“Golden boy my ass. You went and lied, then got shot up with strange drugs from a stranger Stevie! A stranger! And then to top it off you went and killed yourself. That’s everything schools are against.” Steve looks unimpressed for a moment before laughing.

“God Buck, I missed this.”  
“Talking? Cause last I heard you don’t shut up.”  
“No, being with you. Just, being no missions, no wars no-“  
“Kings dressed as cat’s trying to kill me.” Steve laughs shaking his head, he leans against Bucky, draping his head against his shoulder.  
“Punk.” Steve mumbles as he closes his eyes to rest and enjoy the moment.  
“Jerk.” He faintly hears as he feels Bucky’s arm snake against him. Steve exhales allowing himself a moments peace to pretend they’re back before the war and torture.  
“Hey Buck.”  
“Yeah?”  
“You know those little thoughts you get, the ones in your head that you’re not supposed to have?” Bucky tries not to tense and panic too much.  
“Maybe.” He sighs at his hopefully safe answer.  
“I mean the thoughts that are like ‘I should eat a donut’ or “I want to be hugged’ the nice stuff.” Steve turns opening his eyes so he’s looking at Bucky.  
“Act on those. It’ll help. I promise.” Bucky tilts his head his nose twitches and Steve smiles.  
“That thought! What was it? Act on it.”  
“Just thinking ‘bout how stupid I am.”  
“You’re not stupid Buck you’re-“ Bucky can tell Steve is puffing himself up ready to launch into another round of defending Bucky from himself.  
“I’m stupid for fallin’ in love with you is all.” Bucky awkwardly pushes Steve’s shoulder and smiles at him.  
“You ain’t an idiot for that, you’re privileged, falling in love with one of America’s national treasures.” Bucky raises an eyebrow unimpressed.  
“I’m privileged for fallin’ in love with your punk ass? You sure we’re talking about the same guy, cause the guy I love went and threw himself on a grenade in training. Yeah betcha think I never got to hear that. Boy are you wrong. And another thing-”  
“Did Nat tell you about the parachute’s” Steve ducks his head in shame.  
“What about parachutes?” Bucky narrows his eyes.  
“You use parachute’s right? Stevie? Steve.” Steve shifts nervously. And keeps his eyes towards the ground. Bucky throws his hands up.  
“How are you even alive? Why have people given you so much power? You’re going to be the death of me Stevie.” Buck flings his hands up smacking himself in the face and groaning in annoyance.


End file.
